I’ve neglected my body. I’ve moved it too much and not given it enough nutrients; as well as not moved it enough and given it too much nutrients. I’ve never found a middle ground that I’ve been happy with as I tried to gain weight for the longest time and immediately saw myself as too big once I did.
I remember being skinny as a rail and still looking at my stomach and thinking I was fat- not realizing that the little bit of extra skin there was to protect my organs.
Once I started having panic attacks that turned into vomiting, my stomach would concave. I was 5’6″ and weighed 110lbs and my lowest and I remember my parents taking me to the grocery store and buying whatever I wanted to eat so that I would gain weight. I was very active at the time so it was hard to put on anything as well as I had almost no appetite. I don’t recall eating very much as a teenager. I had anxiety about my weight at this point because I felt that I was too skinny – which I was.
Up until I was about 18, I could not stand to see myself naked. I would undress away from the mirror. I would avoid seeing myself because I felt ashamed. I grew up in a very conservative, purity-driven, no-sex-talk household and I think that contributed to my shame. I’m not sure what I was ashamed of specifically, but I know I felt it.
In my early 20s, I went through an emotional hardship and was put on medication on top of my whole world being destroyed and flipped. I was forced out of a safe haven and everything was crumbling around me. This was when I started gaining weight. Between anxiety, depression, medication, an office job, and stress- it’s understandable. After years of trying to put on weight, I hated it when it actually happened. I take after my dad and carry some of my weight in my mid section, so I received questions from coworkers on if I was pregnant- which worsened how I already saw myself. I was experiencing intimacy issues and was told it was because of the weight I put on. I felt immensely unattractive. At this point, I was about 150-160 lbs.
Now, I weigh 220lbs and I’m making decisions and taking actions to be healthier. I am not making these changes to lose weight, but to better myself. Family members have commented on my weight, but not on my happiness and I believe that speaks volumes. I may be fat but, I am the happiest and I feel the most stable that I have been in years.
I am fat, I am beautiful, and I am happy. I am bettering myself every single day, physically and mentally. If you feel the need to comment on someone’s appearance, specifically something they can not change in 10 seconds – keep it to yourself.
Young the Wise 