When I first kissed him, I felt my chest swell with butterflies and caterpillars. My shoulders spread with joy and infected my neck and face to make my mouth form into a smile. It was the type of overjoy where all I could do to exert it was smile and call a friend of mine and shriek with excitement. I was joyed and excited, but there was still a calmness over me.
When my one of my favorite bands played a song that I love, my entire torso felt like a parent blowing up a balloon for their child’s first birthday.
The last time I saw my mother before she left, I felt a weight all over my body, like a disposed doll underneath the pounds of garbage that was thrown away after her. My lips pursed and my eyebrows tensed with the rest of the muscles in my body. My stomach retracted into my spine and my heart dropped as far as it could go.
When a boy that I was infatuated with as a teenager did not return the emotions and effort I put forth, I felt the pressure in between my shoulder blades as though he was pushing the rejection into my heart through my spine.
I feel anger the way a fighter prepares for a fight. I have a short temper and my rage is a fire that burns in my belly and runs straight to my face and arms. If you’re lucky, my mouth will receive the steam from within before my arms do. It’s a fire that boils my blood and turns my vision red along with my words.
Loving him is waking up on a cold morning with nothing that needs your immediate attention. It’s tip-toeing on the cold bathroom tile floor and stepping into the hot water, getting goosebumps as you try to get the warmth to cover you. It feels like a flower blooming in my chest up into my neck as he reaches between my ribs to pick the roses he planted the day he told me he loved me. It’s the warmth that gets me through the winter and it’s calmness that gets me through my days away from him. He can settle my mind with his voice and rest my muscles with his hands. It’s a happiness that brightens my days when I reach my lowest. To know he will still love me because he has seen me there and he has stayed is like walking into a surprise birthday party when you’ve never celebrated a birthday in your life.